Tag Archives: Relationships

& Kids matter, too!

I should warn you up front that this is quite the rant; I need to write more blog posts, I think. I’m losing my sanity without them!  (;

So, what is it with parents and this idea that if their kids hate them they are somehow being a “good parent”?  I mean, I get that parents “know better than their kids” in certain situations and you’ll sometimes have to not let them do something they may want to do. But why, oh, WHY would you want your kid to think you’re a “horrible parent” in order to validate your parental effectiveness?  (I literally read that in an article today, that otherwise was actually really good!)  Where did we come up with this kind of thinking?  That it’s funny and something to be proud of when our kids think we’re mean, horrible, and the worst-parents-ever?

I’m sorry (okay, not really), but I want my kid to think highly of me!  I get it, you need to “be the parent” and tell them no to things they want to do sometimes, but if you talk to them like they are an equal human being, use empathy to understand their point of view, and always give reasons for why you aren’t allowing them to do something (no ‘because I told you so’s), I think we’d be amazed at how much better kids respond to us. Children are simply young people, not freaking prisoners or slaves.  They need to have a trusting RELATIONSHIP with you.  Kinda hard when they think you’re the worst parent ever, no?

I don’t see why people treat parent-kid relationships any different than the zillion other relationships they have.  Would you say that you know your friendship’s doing well if your best friends think you’re the worst friend ever, or that your relationship is going well if your spouse thinks you’re the worse spouse ever?  I would certainly hope not.  Why should it be any different with your kids? Your kids are not pets, they are not slaves, they are not prisoners, or anything else that you get to have some kind of “rights” over to control how you want.  They are individuals; human beings with wants, needs, issues, concerns and FEELINGS.  Your children’s feelings should not be disregarded simply because they are your child.  If anything, they should be even more important to you.

I’ve been thinking about this for a while now and had to get it out.  I hate the way I see parents talk about their kids like they aren’t even human beings, but just little ‘things’ that they get to have complete control over for 18 years and do whatever they want to do with.

Children deserve rights, too.  I really think we should get it out of our heads that parents have to act like some kind of self-righteous dictator to be “good parents.”  Good parenting should be about having good communication with your kids, respecting them (yeah, never thought of that one did you?), being there to help them through the myriad of problems they face, and supporting them in WHATEVER endeavor they choose, regardless of if it isn’t what you would have chosen for them.  Stop micromanaging their lives, give them some space to breathe and see how much these kids we so often give little or no credit to will blossom.

I guarantee you the results will blow our minds.

on Emotions.

Love

I feel like people are very emotionally repressed these days.  We’re regularly encouraged – mostly by big media outlets like TV, film, and radio – to hide our emotions, bury them, deny them, and express them in unhealthy ways.  I want to shine a light on what some of those ways are – as they aren’t always easy to spot if you’re not looking for them – as well as discuss some healthy alternatives to the examples we so often are presented with.  (:

One of the most obvious examples is anger.  Reality TV teaches people to be catty, aggressive, and even violent, and most other media outlets seem to promote violence as an appropriate reaction to anger as well.  You won’t find many examples of people just talking out their problems like the grown adults that they should be, because apparently it doesn’t make for “good TV”, but I have learned from experience that most disagreements are a result of some kind of miscommunication and can be solved with calm, well thought-out, proper communication.

Sadness is often portrayed as something for the “weak,” especially if you’re male, but also if you’re female – there was a song that came out just a few years ago by Fergie entitled “Big Girls Don’t Cry.”  If sadness is being portrayed as an okay emotion to feel, it is often done so in this whiney, poor-me, the-world-is-ending, I’m-so-depressed kind of way.  I think sadness is one of those emotions that you should definitely feel to the fullest without trying to repress it, but then after feeling it fully you’ve got to move through it and past it – it shouldn’t be something that consumes you.

Jealousy is a really scary one, as it is often accepted as warranting controlling and even abusive behavior (so many mega-hit pop songs today are about basically abusive relationships – Maroon 5’s One More Night has 200 million views on Youtube, Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance has 525 million, and Eminem and Rihanna’s Love the Way You Lie? 581 million.)  In my opinion, we are far too accepting of jealousy – and as a result, controlling behaviors like screening texts – especially in romantic, but honestly all relationships today.  But that’s because that’s all the media ever lets us see.  Jealousy actually represents insecurities, and the healthy way to deal with it is to identify said insecurities and work through them – not use it as an excuse to dictate somebody else’s behavior.

When it comes to what we think of as some of the “better” emotions – feeling love, as one example – we’re often taught not to “let it show” and even just avoid love altogether because it can be “risky.”  While I do agree that anytime you choose to trust someone you are taking an emotional risk, the biggest risks are usually attached to the greatest rewards, and the only way to have truly fulfilling relationships is to put yourself out there knowing full well that you could be rejected.  As for something like happiness – especially if it is resulting from any accomplishments – you’ll usually see it as something to rub in people’s faces while “fxcking the haterz,” but I wholeheartedly believe that joy is something that we should be sharing and not keeping to ourselves.

Last, but not least – and this really shouldn’t take much explaining: our naturally sexual nature has been twisted and made into something dirty and shameful when it is actually beautiful and (in my opinion) sacred.  I don’t have the typical conservative view that sexuality should be kept behind closed doors and nudity should only be acceptable between two people in a relationship together, but I do think that we should view the human body, as well as sex, in a respectful way and not in the hyper-sexual, shallow way it is often presented in.

So that’s my opinion on many common emotions and feelings and how they’re often misrepresented.  It’s a proven fact that emotional repression, as well as any unhealthy expressing of emotion, only leads to further unhealthiness and unhappiness.  We do all know how bad mental stress and anxiety is for your body, right?  Good. (: If not, go look it up!  Anyway, I think we need to learn how to deal with intense emotions in much more healthy and appropriate ways.  I hope I was able to give you an idea of what that looks like with this post.

As always – much love to you all,

Finding Love.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”  – Rumi

I love Rumi quotes.  Not only is he almost always talking about love, but he seems to say so much about it with so few words.  It’s hard to even comment on such a clear and concise statement, but I am going to add my thoughts to the table anyway.  (;

You’ll hear many people – especially girls – in the U.S. talk about how they “just want to be loved.”  It’s usually used in a romantic context, but it can just mean in general, as well.  The people who say it feel like if they could just have the love of another person, their life would be complete!

What I think when people say this, is that they aren’t realizing that all the people in the world could love them, and that need that they feel still wouldn’t be satisfied – unless they are also able to give love back.  As I’ve said in previous posts, what I feel is necessary to truly love others is to truly love yourself.  And loving yourself is a lot easier said than done.  It involves doing a lot of inner work – the kind that people don’t want to do because it involves things like figuring out what you believe, and more importantly, why.  If you don’t know why you do the things you do, it’s pretty hard to love yourself for it. 

Loving yourself also includes things like realizing both your strengths and your weaknesses, and accepting the things you do know while acknowledging how much you don’t.  Generally, people don’t want to do this kind of inner work.  These things get messy, as you come to realize how many things you take for granted as true that actually make no sense at all.

So, what do people do instead?  They talk about “wanting to be loved,” in order to fill this hole that they have because they don’t – and can’t – love themselves.  They are either too scared, or too lazy, or too sedated by our fake “reality” to seriously sit down and challenge their most deeply held beliefs about life.  I know, because at one point I was there.  I used to spew all kinds of BS about how bad drugs were, how untrue evolution was and how I was so positive that certain people were going to hell all because “the Holy Bible Told Me So!”  I took information from other people and just repeated it without ever looking into things myself, and I and many others can tell you I wasn’t a very confident person in those days. Now that I have looked into things, I feel differently on all those points…  But I digress.

The point I’m trying to make here is, as Rumi says: do not seek for love.  Love will find you when you have found Yourself.  Focus on becoming the best person you can be, and you will start to attract people who do the same.  Love is so much better when it’s a two-way thing.

Your homework for the day (yes, homework!) is to take five minutes, and meditate – by which I mean think really hard – on one of your most deeply held beliefs.  Think about the most convincing arguments you’ve heard for and against it, your personal reasons for believing it, and what it does for your life by believing it.  When the five minutes are up, you’ll either come out more confident and energized in what you believe or motivated to get some answers to the questions you didn’t realize you had about it.  Either way, I guarantee you’ll feel just a little bit better about who you are and what you are here to do. (;

Love to you all, hope you have a WONDER-FULL day!

KT<3 

Related Posts: Pt. 1: Love Yourself, Pt. 2: Love Others, Admitting that I Don’t Know.